Moraivians Threaten War
special to the Coastal Empire Daily
The leaders of the small eastern European country of Upper Moraivia are threatening to declare war on the United States government unless a castle that they claim was stolen from them is returned by the end of the year.
According to high level Upper Moreivian officials, movie producer Rod White bribed local townspeople to help him steal the 1,100 year old castle when the newly elected democratic government refused to grant Mr. White and his production team entry visas.
"They made a mess of our country when they were here last winter. They were rude. And their checks bounced," stated Igor Blogdonovich, newly elected into the office of president. "And now the imperialist American pigs steal our castle."
"Well, we wouldn't have needed to go back, except our cinematographer, Vittorio Alvenucci, apparently forgot to remove the lens cap from the movie camera for this very important scene that we were shooting at that castle," explains director Francis Weisenbecker. "We needed to go back, only they wouldn't let us. So if we couldn't go to the castle, why not bring the castle to us?"
Allegedly, when the new government refused to issue entry permits, producer Rod White decided to apply a bit of American ingenuity to the problem. He bribed local officials to look the other way as he smuggled the castle out of the country, brick by brick. Employees of Rod White supposedly posed as tourists, each taking as many bricks as their handbags could hold. Local townspeople reportedly chipped in and helped in exchange for truckloads of cigarettes.
"He stole our castle, and corrupted our citizens with his vile American drugs," explained the nation's president.
"I bought that castle fair and square, and I have the documentation to prove it, " counters Rod White.
Apparently, Mr. White bought the castle from King Lichtblau IX, son of the deposed dictator, King Lichtblau VIII, who was forced to flee his country when the communists overthrew the monarchy in 1923. King Lichtblau IX works at the R.K. White cigarette factory in North Carolina.
The newly elected president. Igor Blogdonovich, doesn't acknowledge the legitimacy of the sale. "He stole our most important historic landmark, our greatest monument to the bloodiest dictator our country ever had. If our castle is not returned by end of this year, we will declare war on America, and take our castle back!"
American officials are still undecided as to whether or not they will acknowledge the Moraivians request. As one unnamed source put it, "The Moreivian military consists of about 73 people, total. It's hard to take them seriously."
The castle was relocated to Whitfield Island, about ten miles from Harbor City. Locals were skeptical about the Moreivians claim. "They're just jealous because we got a castle and they don't," noted one local citizen. "I think we should bomb those Moraivians back into the stone age if they don't stop whining."
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